Only Time
by formerlynoname
Summary: Abby and Luka...and Carter? Oh, my! Who can say where friendship leads... Chapter 10, 'Lost in Translation': It's about a really tall guy trying to find his way in a foreign country. What's not to love?
1. Default Chapter

Title refers to the song by the same name by **Enya**:

_"Who can say where the road goes Where the day flows,-only time And who can say if your love grows As your heart chose,-only time.....  
  
Who can say when the roads meet That love might be in your heart And who can say when the day sleeps If the night keeps all your heart...."  
_  
Usual disclaimers apply.  
  
Running. He runs desperately, but it's as if through water; he's hardly able to move his legs. He's looking frantically for something but he's not sure what. The air is hazy; he strains his eyes to make things out but everything is just out of focus. He struggles but can't will his legs to move faster, can't will his mind to remember what he's looking for, or his eyes to make out what he's seeing. He becomes more and more desperate and frantic, finally becoming paralyzed, unable to do or see anything. He feels trapped, claustrophobic, and then wakes up, gasping for air. He lies staring into the darkness for a few moments to catch his breath and reorient himself to reality, then closes his eyes again and wills himself to relax and breathe regularly, trying to sleep a few more hours.  
  
He's had this dream repeatedly over the past month or so. Except this night Luka didn't go back to sleep, didn't want to feel the claustrophobia of the darkness wrap itself around him again. He got up and aimlessly wandered his apartment, straightened up, turned the tv on and back off again, rummaged in the fridge, then stared out an open window at the city streets below and listened to the deceptive calm that envelopes the city at night. Anyone who works in an inner city ER knows that the city is never really calm under the surface. A dog barked, a couple of teenagers walked by dribbling a basketball, the faint sound of music from their Walkmans carrying up to the window, a car door slammed followed shortly by the sound of an engine turning over, and sure enough, before long, Luka heard an ambulance siren blare in the distance. He got up, showered and dressed, went out for breakfast and a newspaper, and headed off to work. Whoever had been on all night certainly wouldn't mind getting relieved a little early.

-

Falling. He's stumbling along in the darkness trying to feel around for something familiar and suddenly he steps off into nothingness. Swallowed up by it, he feels himself hurtling through the air; he reaches for something to grab but can't stop himself, can't yell, can't catch a breath, he keeps falling, and then there's a sudden jolt at the bottom. The force of the sensation brings him bolt upright in bed, where he sits fighting for air for a few moments, his heart pounding. Finally gathering his wits about him, he takes a deep breath and eases himself cautiously back into the sheets to try to sleep for a few more hours.   
  
He's had the same dream every few nights for over a month. Except this night Carter didn't fall back to sleep, didn't feel like surrendering to the darkness yet again. He got up and aimlessly wandered around his townhouse, studied the architecture of the halls and stairs, looked at the design of each room, saw them again as for the first time. In his wandering through the house he came to a door, reached for the doorknob and then stopped himself. It was a room he hadn't been in for a month. Finally, he willed himself to turn the knob and enter. The room was like a soft blue oasis, bathed in the stillness of the predawn. He slowly moved through, touching each thing tentatively as he passed; a teddy bear on a shelf, a mobile hanging over the crib, a stack of unused diapers on the changing table. He finally left the room, got his shower and dressed, and went out for coffee and a newspaper on the way to the hospital. Whoever was on night shift wouldn't mind getting relieved a little early.

-

"Good morning!" The ER was bright and busy as always, but the activity had begun to pick up even more now that morning had come. Abby had just come in for her shift and came across Carter on her way by the admit desk. Carter smiled tiredly and returned her greeting, only with a little less exuberance. Abby slowed and inquired after him with concern. There were dark shadows under his eyes and she thought he'd lost weight. "Are you doing ok?"  
  
"Yeah, yeah," Carter reassured her. Abby looked at him dubiously. "I just haven't been sleeping too well lately," he finally admitted.  
  
"Are you taking care of yourself? Eating?"   
  
"Yeah, mostly. I'm fine. I'll be fine. Thanks." With that, Carter held up the chart in his hand as if to excuse himself, and walked off to take care of a patient. Abby gave him one more sidelong look of concern as she continued on her way.  
  
She didn't get very far before she nearly literally ran into Luka. "Morning," Luka smiled, recovering his balance.  
  
Abby looked up at him and then laughed. "My God. You look like hell too."  
  
"Thank you." Luka looked amused. "'Too'?"  
  
"Sorry. It's just, you don't look like you slept any better than Carter did." Luka looked at Abby curiously. "Oh, I ran into him when I came in," Abby quickly explained. "Actually, I'm a little worried about him. Have you talked to him lately?" Luka shook his head. "I haven't either. Maybe we should be spending more time with him."  
  
Luka nodded. "Yeah. That sounds like a good idea. I wanted to give him some space, but now that he's back at work he could probably use some extra support." They fell silent and Abby continued to look at Luka, pursing her lips in thought. Luka returned her look expectantly. "What?"  
  
"No, I was just thinking, if you want we could go do something together with him-take him dinner, visit? Maybe it would be better to start out with something more like a casual get-together. I don't want to make him to feel like we're babysitting. Besides, you have exp...." Abby stopped abruptly.  
  
"What? Experience in such matters?" Luka looked on with mild amusement as Abby became flustered, but decided to let her off the hook, much to her relief. "My evenings are free the rest of the week. If you and Carter can find a time that works for everyone, give me a call, and we can make some arrangements." They both paused and smiled hesitantly, then ducked around each other and went on with their morning responsibilities. 


	2. Three's Company

This was a tough chapter for me, and so I suppose now would be a good time to acknowledge my two beta readers, Laurie and Katalyn, both of whom, in their own ways, encourage and challenge me to make this better. Also, if it's not obvious, I failed to mention in the first chapter that this story picks up more or less where season 10 left off.

Usual disclaimers apply.

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A couple days after their conversation, as planned, Luka picked Abby up and they went to Carter's for a visit. After a tour of the house, they retired to the sitting room for coffee. For a while,the trio gamely exchanged awkward small talk; slowly shedding the residual of their difficult history for this strange new fellowship. Eventually Abby put her cup down and stood up.

"I need a cigarette," she announced. Luka and Carter both looked up at her with slight amusement. "I'm quitting." She insisted defensively. "I'm going to go outside for a while and when you're ready, Luka, come on out and we'll go." She shot Luka a knowing look. Carter got up and they embraced warmly as they exchanged thanks and goodnights.

Luka looked at his hands as Carter watched Abby leave and then sat back down. He studied Luka for a moment. "She's something, isn't she?" Luka glanced at Carter suspiciously but nodded silent agreement. "I probably shouldn't keep you too long. Abby will be waiting."

Luka smiled. "No, it's ok. I think she wants us to talk."

"Ah, I see. So what should we be talking about?"

Luka shrugged. "We're concerned how you're doing. How you're taking everything. I guess I'm supposed to know what to say to you."

"Right. Well, what is there to say? I'm as good as can be expected."

Luka considered this response and then chose what he thought would be a safe subject to continue the discussion. "How's Kem?"

"I haven't talked to her much since she went back to Africa." Carter admitted. "I guess I'm just not sure what to say to her either."

"This will be a challenging time for you as a couple."

"More than that," Carter hesitantly confided. "I'm not sure we are still a couple."

"You both just need some time..."

Carter was thoughtful for a few moments. "Before the baby died I had this whole life with Kem and our child planned out in my mind. It all just seemed to fall so perfectly into place. Now I'm afraid what Kem and I had was an illusion. That with the baby gone we'll find that there's really nothing there; it will turn out to all have be a mistake and was never really meant to be."

"But you love each other. That's real."

"I don't know. That's just it. Did we fall in love with each other or did we fall in love with a fantasy? It's the question I wouldn't let myself consider when everything went wrong with Abby, and now here it is again.

Luka looked questioningly at Carter. "What do you mean? What's Abby got to do with it?"

"When my relationship with Abby was failing it was easier to blame her and run away than think about what I might have done to contribute to our problems, or worse, to consider that maybe we never should have been together. We both tried to make it work but it would never have been enough if we were together for the wrong reasons to begin with. I want to believe Kem and I love each other, but what if we've been trying for the wrong reasons? If she doesn't want me without the baby?"

"So, then, why don't you try to find out?"

Carter shook his head. "I don't know. I'm still hurting. She's still hurting. I don't want to go over there if I don't know what I'm doing, especially while we're both still vulnerable. I just need some more time to be sure about what I'm feeling. And to hope she's doing the same." Luka nodded slowly. "I guess I owe you an apology," Carter said after a long pause, glad for an opportunity to change the subject.

"Why?" Luka looked confused.

"I always blamed you for Abby's unhappiness. But I've had plenty of time and experience to realize it wasn't that simple. I shouldn't have given you such a hard time."

"Thanks. I appreciate it. Now I don't feel so guilty for all those times I wanted to deck you." Luka smiled hopefully and was relieved to see Carter laugh. "No, it's ok. Anyway, things with Abby and me were complicated too. There was plenty wrong that didn't have anything to do with you; things I should have done differently." Luka, serious now, stared at his hands.

"Maybe you didn't do so bad." Carter suggested reflectively. "It seems like there's something there between you two." He paused, then smirked in mock-disgust. "In fact, it always drove me crazy." He gave a short laugh.

Luka grinned skeptically and then stood up and stretched, with Carter following suit. "I think if you and Kem really have something, you'll figure it out."

"You're ok, man. I was wrong about you." Carter slapped Luka on the shoulder affectionately. "And believe it or not, seeing Abby with you now might not be so bad." He smiled at the anomalous confession. Luka didn't respond. "You better not keep her waiting any more, now that we've had our talk."

Luka extended his hand to Carter. "It was good talking to you", he said sincerely as they shook hands. "Good luck."

"Yeah, and you owe me. Next time it's your turn to spill your guts," Carter insisted as he saw Luka to the door


	3. So they Say

Luka went outside and walked slowly up the front walk, looking for Abby. The house and street lights left the lawn dappled with competing patches of light and shadow, creating an otherworldly feel to his surroundings as he strained to spot Abby. "Hey". Turning to her voice he could first see the glow of her cigarette before making her out, sitting on a bench nestled among some flower beds in Carter's lawn, and waving him over.

"Sorry if I kept you too long. Carter and I got talking and lost track of time." Luka said, apologetically, as he sat on the opposite side of the bench, and hunching over with his forearms on his knees, turned to look at Abby.

"It's ok. It's a nice evening. It's been relaxing" Abby smiled at Luka. "So what have you guys been talking about? Anything interesting?"

Luka laughed lightly. "Yeah, you know, just arguing over who's going to win the World Series. Usual guy stuff". Abby shot him a glare. Luka grinned broadly at her wordless chastisement. More serious, he assured her, "He seems to be working through things in his own time. I think he'll be okay.

Abby nodded. "That's good. I was concerned." Luka nodded agreement. Abby changed course, "So, what about you?"

"What about me?"

"How have you been?" Luka shrugged the question away nonchalantly. "You and Sam broke up...."Abby left off suggestively.

"Ahh, you know, we were kind of mismatched, I guess. Wanted different things. You might say a 'generation break'."

"'Gap', and, God, you make yourself sound so old."

Luka chuckled. "yeah, maybe I'm getting old." Suddenly he grew serious. "You can't get that time back, either, can you?". The change in tone and expression was so abrupt that Abby swung to look at him with a degree of concern. She barely caught his eye before he looked away, staring into the semi-darkness of the lawn. She watched him for a few seconds with tender concern. He was lost in the brooding silence he pulled around himself habitually. She felt drawn to him then, drawn to the mystery, and had to remind herself that this image he unconsciously projected was as deceptive as it was attractive. She'd gotten to know Luka well enough through the years to see that behind the allure of his sad and dark side he was just a man; imperfect, hurting, occasionally hurtful, sometimes very funny, and often wonderfully caring, but a man, every bit human. She reached out and touched his arm. "You want to talk about it?"

Luka shook himself and turned to her, smiling apologetically. "No, I'm fine. You don't need to worry about my problems too." He nodded toward Carter's house. "Can't save everyone." He winked at her.

"Ok, how about if I promise not to try to save you?" Abby smiled back. "Just lend an ear. That's what friends are for."

Luka looked at her indecisively. "I don't know. Sometimes I just feel like I'm going around in circles. Every time I think I'm getting somewhere I'm right back at square one. All the time I've wasted..."

"Well, maybe if you give Sam time, she'll come around. She's young and probably scared to settle down."

"No, she has her own direction in life that isn't part of mine; though I'm not sure what that is myself. And I'm tired of having to keep trying to figure it out."

"Well, you know what they say: 'Life is a mystery to be lived, not a problem to be solved'."

Luka snorted and looked heavenward. "My God."

"Sorry, that was lame."

"Please tell me you didn't find the meaning of life on the back of a coffee mug."

"Hell, yes. Only the one I use is: 'If all else fails, have some chocolate'."

Luka laughed. "It seems to be working for you."

"I thought so."

"Seriously, you must have figured something out. You're doing so well; you seem....I don't know, peaceful, good....happy."

Abby laughed and rolled her eyes with an exaggerated gesture. "What's the world coming to? Abby's doing well."

"I didn't mean it like that" Luka protested.

"Sure." Abby teased. " But, yeah, I think I'm doing all right. I guess you could even say I'm happy. Though I don't think it's so much what's happening out here" she waved her hand broadly, "as in here." She tapped her head. Then laughed, remembering. "I think that one was from you."

Luka brightened and shouldered her gently. "Yeah, and I never imagined that would be such an effective pick-up line." They shared a laugh, old intimacy mingled with current awkwardness, then grew silent for a few seconds until Luka, feeling the need to shake himself of the mood, rose and burst out: "Well, we really should get going."

"Yeah, I guess so", Abby agreed reluctantly, and got up and followed Luka toward the street.


	4. Souvenirs

It was one of those days, as they say. One of those days that can make you wonder why you didn't go into accounting. After all, who's life depended on some numbers on a paper? Abby finally managed to break away during a brief lull and found a quiet corner of the ER to hide in. Slipping into a darkened exam room she laid some paperwork in front of her to give the appearance of actual work to any who might inquire and then sunk her head down into her hands and let out a groan.

She was startled to hear movement behind her indicating she wasn't alone after all. She peered back into the room curiously just as Luka came out behind an exam curtain. "Oh, God, Luka, you scared me. I thought I was alone."

"Sorry. I was trying to catch a nap while it was slow." Luka pulled up a stool and sat beside her.

"I didn't mean to wake you up" Abby apologized sheepishly.

"Nah" Luka waved her apology off. "I wasn't asleep." Indeed he'd been staring off into space lost in a tumble of thoughts, none of which he'd managed to bring together cohesively into any meaningful introspection. It was just as well he'd been interrupted. "So," he looked at her with concern, "are you ok?"

Abby's eyes met Luka's. "I guess. It's just one of those days, you know. Some days you can come here, do your job and go home, and other days, for some reason, it just gets to you." She closed her eyes and sighed.

Luka touched her arm gently with a small smile. "You do a lot of stuff for other people-not just at work. While you're taking care of everyone else don't forget to take care of yourself, hmm? Go home, spend some time with friends, or just do nothing for awhile."

"Sounds great."

"So do it. Doctor's orders."

Abby managed to return Luka's smile with a small grin. "Speaking of which, I guess our little get-together went well and you and Carter are big friends now. Did I hear he's coming to your place to watch football?"

"Oh, yeah." Luka glanced heavenward." 'Monday Night Football.' Apparently it's an American tradition."

"No kidding. I thought you hated American football."

Luka shrugged good-humoredly. "I'm conforming. Anyway, it can't be worse than Pictionary." He shuddered. This finally got a laugh out of Abby, which pleased him.

"Well, I'm glad you two are getting along so well now. Nearly getting yourselves killed in Africa must be a real bonding experience."

"Yeah, we're still waiting for our souvenir t-shirts. You know, 'I survived the Congo'." He drew his hand across his chest in illustration.

Abby giggled. "Well, I have to say I liked the souvenir Carter picked up and sent back best of all."

"Oh, you liked the medicine man box? I suggested it."

"I meant you. I'm glad you made it back." Abby smiled up at him sincerely, then got an intrigued look on her face. "You suggested the box?"

"Yeah, I knew you were back in med school. I thought it would be clever."

"I guess I missed the connection." Luka nodded soberly, remembering her reaction to it. "I didn't look closely. Did it have printing on it? 'My boyfriend shagged an African beauty and all I got was this box'?" Luka looked embarrassed. Abby immediately regretted saying it. "Sorry."

"He broke your heart, didn't he?" Luka asked quietly.

Abby laughed sharply. "Noo, not really. More like wounded my pride. But that's ancient history." she finished quickly. "Anyway I shouldn't have brought it up. It was all for the best and Carter and I are fine now." Abby squirmed uncomfortably under Luka's intent gaze, mentally kicking herself for bringing Carter up like that, as he tried to read her face.

She was actually relieved when they were interrupted and called to an incoming trauma. They stood up and Luka turned to Abby with concern. "If you're almost off, I can cover this for you. Maybe you can take it easy until you clock out."

"I'm afraid not. I've got 3 more hours. I might as well get back out there." Luka held the door open for her and she was once again swallowed up in the chaos of the ER...


	5. pizza and football

Sorry for the delay getting this next chapter up. August was unexpectedly busy. I hope you all haven't given up on me.

Usual disclaimers, etc etc.

* * *

Luka could hear the frenetic twangs of Hank Williams Jr pouring from the tv in his living room as he stood in front of his opened refrigerator and expectantly held up some beer and Coke at Carter. Carter indicated the beer, and Luka returned to the living room with their bottles. It was Monday, and at Carter's urging, they were enjoying a sort of "boys night out" of pizza and football at Luka's place. Carter sat on his big leather couch and surveyed the bachelor pad as Luka handed him his bottle and sat down opposite him. "Thanks. Nice digs, by the way."

"Yeah, well, it's home." Luka shrugged, as he opened the pizza box and loaded his plate.

Carter snickered as he did the same. "It's a lot homier than the mansion I grew up in. Or, " he paused, more seriously, "the big empty house I'm sitting in now." He took a drink.

Luka glanced at Carter. "Have you talked to her?"

"No. Not really talked to her anyway. Not yet." He paused reflectively and then shook himself, as he reached for his pizza. "So, what about you? You feel like doing any talking?"

Luka waved him off dismissively. "And miss this?" He gestured toward the tv.

"Yeah, well, I figured that couldn't have been why you agreed to have me over. You hate American football," Carter joked. "Besides, you owe me, remember?"

Luka grinned, shaking his head. "How about we just stick with the football tonight, okay? I should only have to suffer one indignity at a time."

The men's focus the first half of the game was limited to their food and beer and attempts by Carter to explain various rules of the sport and defend its merits to a dubious Luka, who found his version of football much more entertaining. But by halftime, boredom and beer had begun to take their affects. After a bit of job-related small talk Carter, in an attempt to break through Luka's reticence, dove in: "Why'd you leave Croatia?"

Luka looked levelly at Carter for a moment. "For pizza and football, what else?" he tossed out nonchalantly.

Carter smirked, then gamely tried again. "How many kids did you have?"

Luka sighed with resignation at Carter's doggedness. "Two. A girl and a boy."

Carter shifted uncomfortably as awareness of Luka's loss began to sink in. "I'm sorry." He paused uncertainly.

Luka gently brushed away Carter's concern. "It's ok." He smiled encouragingly.

"How do you come to terms with it: having everything and then losing it?"

Luka looked almost amused by the question. "'Come to terms'? You go forward. What choice do you have?"

"Easier said than done."

Luka wordlessly allowed that to be true.

Carter persisted, dissatisfied with the lack of real answers. "Would you do it again? I mean, knowing what was going to happen, would it still be worth it?" Luka didn't reply, avoiding Carter's probing gaze, so Carter continued, "Even if I could un-love Kem and the baby, would I? I suppose I can hardly even say I was a father and yet seeing my son the first time, just the amazement and wonder at the sight of my own child, even though it was for such a short time, changed me in ways I never imagined. I'm just not sure what to do about it now." He felt his emotions threaten to overwhelm him so he fell quiet.

Luka nodded, Carter's admission allowing him to slowly let down his own guard. "Becoming a father for me was like that-how do you say?-being more than the sum of your parts. I wasn't just a man who now had children. I became another person. A father. You're a father, Carter. For the rest of your life, you're that child's father, whether he's here or not. And I think all love, all true love, it's the same. This person, they become a part of who you are. And then they're gone. And then what? You grieve and move on, but you're changed. Becoming reconciled with one's past, present, and future, that's what's hard."

Luka abruptly fell silent. Both men sat in quiet contemplation for several minutes, at a loss for words, emotionally drained, and perhaps a bit embarrassed by their openness. Finally, Luka broke the atmosphere by getting up for another drink, offering Carter one along the way. Carter nodded and shifted and stretched in his seat. "You know, we should be keeping up with the football game; get some highlights, memorize the score, or something, just in case we need an alibi for anything. No one will believe us otherwise," he joked. Luka laughed as he returned to his seat.

They finished watching the game, carefully confining themselves to small talk, and when it was over Carter began to make motions of leaving. Luka got up and saw Carter to the door, where they stood in awkward but friendly silence. "I'd do it again," Luka blurted. "My wife and I, we had our problems even before... We were young, passionate-in anger as much as love." He admitted laughingly. "There were stresses of being inexperienced parents, financial strains, times I should have been more patient, more supportive, more available. We both made mistakes. Marriage, parenting, it was hard challenging work, but being able to share that kind of love with another person is what made it worth it."

Carter nodded, shook Luka's hand, and headed home, both men full of their own thoughts and emotions.


	6. Looking for Space

Yes, I'm actually back. Sorry for disappearing. I'd had every intention of posting my story quickly when I started but it seems to have been the victim of a series of misfortunate events. Not the least of which is that I foolishly didn't back my files up sufficiently and most of them were erased by a hacker. Until now I couldn't muster the heart or the time to rewrite them. The fact that ER sucks now hasn't helped. It's very hard to get in touch with my inner Luka when the real one has been turned into such a weanie. But it's coming back (that break from new episodes must have helped), so here is the latest installment:

If anyone out there still remembers this fic and cares about reading it leave a comment to that affect so I'll know if it's worth finishing.

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Luka and Carter's talk had done a few things for Luka-it had served as a welcome release for emotions that had long been buried, while giving him a connection with humanity again, in the form, miracle of miracles, of John Carter. And it also left him frustrated and slightly depressed. He felt impatient to move forward but uncertain where to step, uncertain what it was he was even looking for. His talk with Carter made him realize how little he had to offer; how little he'd reconciled himself to his new life without his family after all these years. Who was he? Where was he going? The dreams that had been plaguing his sleep increased.

Carter and Luka's visit had changed some things for Carter: it had served as a welcome release for some of the grief he'd held at bay since the loss of his child and Kem's sudden return back to Africa-for some space to think and recover, she'd said. It had provided him a confidant-dare he even say, a friend?-in the unlikely form of Luka Kovac. And it had lifted a weight from him. Questions of the rightness or wrongness of his and Kem's relationship, and guilt over having brought this on himself, on her-and on the baby-had previously mixed with the feelings of loss and made it difficult to grieve fully. His talk with Luka gave him the permission he needed to have loved Kem and to now grieve his losses without self-doubt. The dreams that had been keeping him up nights decreased.

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A couple weeks after their get-together Luka accepted Carter's invitation to grab a burger after work. As they settled down to the Cokes the waitress brought and waited for the food, Carter got right to the point. "I called Kem," he enthused.

Luka forced his attentions outside of himself and, looking up from the straw he was aimlessly stirring in his drink, smiled encouragingly at his friend. "It went well?"

Carter checked his enthusiasm with a tight smile and a shrug. "I guess it depends how you look at it. I didn't bring up 'us' but we talked about the baby together for the first time since she left. We cried together. It meant a lot that we could at least make that connection. You know?"

Luka nodded and studied Carter, who's attention was now turned to the food that was being set in front of them. He appeared lighthearted, an obvious improvement over that first social call. They ate their food in silence, each in their own thoughts; Carter undoubtedly going over every word of his conversation with Kem, Luka speculated. He had other things on his mind.

He felt he should be happy. He was alive. Everyone in his life was doing reasonably well. Carter had lost his child and the woman he'd loved, yet within a relatively short time, was finding his way, no thanks to Luka, despite Abby's insistence that it would be good for Carter to have him around. Abby, who had been so unhappy with him, was finally happy, and had become a doctor, just as he'd always thought she should, not that it was because she'd ever believed him. And Sam had recently had a talk with him.

Luka had thought being with Sam was the answer. Here were two people who needed him. Alex had taken to him immediately, had sought him out, it often seemed. And Luka had recognized Sam's neediness behind her bravado, knew she needed someone to give her care and safety. It had surprised him that she was actually willing to receive it when he offered. It all seemed to fall into place; seemed so much more logical and meaningful than spending his life turned inside-out by someone who he couldn't make happy, who didn't need him. But Sam had gone, and taken Alex. He'd found that seeing Alex's face watching him desperately as they drove off caused Luka more pain than the loss of Sam. He'd tried to talk her into coming back, for Alex's sake if nothing else. But she said it was none of his concern. She shut him out as abruptly as she let him in. It always seemed to happen that way.

But she had come back on her own shortly after and now she wanted to see him, to apologize and to explain. Steve's reappearance had opened up old feelings. In the past she had never thought her choices out far ahead, but this time she'd actually forced herself to think before she acted. She hadn't slept with Steve like she might have before, but the struggle to do the right thing for herself and Alex took it's toll. The thought that she might fail scared her, so she'd done what she always did-run away from the burden of the responsibility. She'd told herself it was for Alex's sake, but she knew better. So did Alex. He was old enough now that he could see through her self-justifications and her attempts to bribe him into cooperating. And he'd made connections in Chicago so strong that his anger at her for doing this to him again was more powerful than she'd ever seen in him.

In the end she knew it was time to step up. So she'd come back to Chicago, gotten them settled back into their life here, and taken Steve to court, so that the law could deal with his fatherly responsibilities and demands instead of her. Luka had done more for them than he could know, she assured him. (Sure he had, he'd thought. She was simply letting him down lightly.) But she hadn't been fair to him. She didn't love him. She'd liked the security, and had let him take responsibilities that were meant for her, in exchange for her affections. Now she was doing the right thing.

She was doing well, Luka could see that; and in spite of him, he thought; certainly not because of him. She'd moved on to a better place. Everyone had. He was the one left behind, still without answers. He should be happy for them all, he chastened himself, but it only seemed to bring his own relentless bewilderment into relief.

Carter finished his food first and rested his elbows on the table contemplating Luka thoughtfully. Luka was once again forced to pull himself out of his head. He was in his head too much these days. Maybe he should ask for extra shifts.

"I wanted to thank you." Carter offered this hesitantly, almost shyly.

Luka looked at him blankly and illustrated his confusion with a shrug.

"Having your company has meant a lot to me. It's helped bring some things in perspective for me, given me better understanding of myself." Carter struggled to explain.

"Luka's lessons on how not to live?" Luka offered, laughing scoffingly.

Carter chuckled politely in return. "No, really," he insisted. "I mean, I still have my bad days, but at least I don't feel like I'm falling into a bottomless pit anymore. I can get through this. I think before it was too easy to let myself feel like I was powerless over my destiny, simply a victim. Then I could just dismiss problems as mistakes and run away from them to try the next thing. But on some level problems and challenges are what you make of them. I'm trying to remember that."

Luka was avoiding Carter's gaze guiltily. He wasn't in the mood for deep conversation and didn't want to encourage Carter, but he owed it to him to listen, just the same.

Carter began to sense Luka's discomfort and changed the subject, feeling somewhat chagrined. He supposed there was some unwritten rule that man-to-man talks should only be done privately over beer and football, not in busy burger joints. So they talked sports for a bit and then Luka excused himself to get some sleep.

And eventually, after his fruitless searching, in darkness, wading heavily through water, confused, and disoriented, sleep came.


	7. 10 minutes

I want to thank everyone who read and reviewed. It was a boost for me to keep at this.

Having said that, I'm not crazy about this chapter but no matter how long I leave it sit the fanfiction fairy doesn't come along and magically improve it, so I guess I better just post it and move on. It's somewhat a transitional chapter, so hopefully things will get better from here.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

It was a rare slow day in the ER. Abby was assigned to an incoming but the ETA was 10 minutes, so she took the time to have a cigarette break in the ambulance bay. Carter apparently decided to take advantage of the lull as well, because he appeared beside her shortly.

"I thought you were quitting."

Abby turned her defensive reaction into a joke, "Hello to you too. And for your information, I have quit. Several times."

They exchanged smiles. Abby gestured at Carter. "How have you been? You seem better lately."

"I am. I'm good. I mean..." he amended, "everything isn't great, but in the larger scheme of things anyway, I'm ok."

"That's what really matters, I guess."

"You seem good too." Abby wasn't sure if it was a statement or a question.

"Yeah." Then after a beat, "In the larger scheme of things." She said it jokingly, but let's face it, her life was far from perfect, far from completely fulfilled. But unlike so many times in her past she was ok anyway. She understood what Carter had meant perfectly.

"...besides the likelihood of premature death from smoking, of course." Now Carter was teasing her.

Abby gave him a look, but gave up, tossing her cigarette down and grinding it forcefully with her foot. They could just begin to hear the ambulance siren in the distance.

Carter began to speak, then paused uncertainly. But he was pretty sure that the rules for talking to women were different than for men, so he continued. "You know, I've been meaning to apologize to you."

"For what?"

"I guess I've been realizing how much I tried to put the blame for the problems in our relationship on you. And it was unfair of me. There were a lot of things I was probably unfair about."

Abby waved him off dismissively. Did he really want to go there again? Did she? "Really, it's all past. Don't worry about it."

"I know, but still. I wanted to say it to you. You deserved better."

Abby laughed. "You did too" she assured him, then added, shrugging, "And here we are now."

"I'm glad we're still friends."

"Me too." Abby said it awkwardly but not without warmth and sincerity. She also saw an opportunity to change the subject. "Speaking of friends, do you talk to Luka much?"

"Some. Why?" It always came back to Luka with Abby. But this time, Carter didn't mind.

"Does he seem ok to you? He seems pretty dark and moody lately to me."

Carter chuckled. "'Dark and moody'. That's just Luka, isn't it?"

Abby didn't say anything. The sound of the siren was close. Carter's attentions turned toward preparing himself mentally for action, the subject forgotten. A year ago, Abby would have assumed Carter was insulting him, but she knew better now. She may never understand why, but something had changed them in Africa, and she knew Carter had said this without animosity. Besides, she'd made the same mistaken assumption in the past, when she'd thought she understood Luka. She remembered the shame she felt when Gordana had talked to her, recalling Luka as a 'character' and a man who was often laughing. Maybe that part of Luka was truly gone now, but Abby would be damned if she was going to limit him that way in her mind again.

But the ambulance was here and for now the immediate demands of the job crowded out her worries and took precedence.


	8. The more things change

Thanks to all who are still patiently reading and reviewing. Sorry I'm so slow with this.

Abby had allowed herself at best only peripheral involvement in Luka's life for some time. Previous expressions of concern had either been rebuffed by him or caused more harm than good. She felt she had no right to interfere in his life, particularly as he moved on to other relationships. Besides, she'd had her own life to worry about, her own problems to iron out. And yet now she felt herself being drawn to him again, almost magnetically. It wasn't that she thought she had any grand solution to offer. It wasn't even that she was overly worried for him-certainly she'd seen him far worse off. There were no outward manifestations of trouble: acting out, missing shifts, or other things she'd seen in the past. It was more a vague air of melancholy that lingered over him, a mechanical disconnect with patients, terseness with coworkers.

The concern for him spread from a place in the back of her mind to a daily awareness of his presence, his demeanor, his mood. In short, Abby couldn't stop thinking about him, couldn't keep herself from being always mindful of him out of the corner of her eye.

Abby watched, but she kept her concerns to herself. She told herself it was for Luka's ultimate benefit that she not meddle. But the truth was that he was getting to her again, which caused her no small amount of unease.

Carter caught her in one such moment at the ER desk, her eyes having wandered briefly from the chart in her hand to Luka, walking past at the far end of the room.

Carter tapped her chart and Abby turned to him blushing slightly. "If you have a minute, I wanted to talk to you."

"I thought we already had our 'talk'," Abby saucily returned, grinning.

"Ha, ha. I wanted you and Luka to have dinner with me one evening this week. My treat."

"What's the occasion?" Abby's curiosity piqued. Their first evening of socializing had been…interesting. Things had changed since then, relationships and circumstances shifted. What would it be like for the three of them now?

"No occasion, really. Just talk. And Luka's not so suspicious, you know." Carter joked.

So they met up at a nice restaurant a couple evenings later. Carter and Luka were already seated at the small square table when Abby got there. "What am I doing here?" Abby thought to herself as she approached the table, glancing back and forth between her two ex-boyfriends chatting amicably. Was she the only one that felt weird about this? Did they ever talk about her when they got together, compare notes? She self-consciously smiled and took a seat on an empty side of the table between them as they looked up and greeted her warmly. Carter seemed perfectly relaxed and happy to be spending time with his two friends. Luka seemed to tense up, uncertainty flashing across his face, as Abby sat down, but maybe that was just her imagination.

"Grow up," Abby admonished herself. "We're all adults here, not teenagers."

"Did I miss anything?" She asked lightly.

"Haven't even ordered drinks," Luka responded. The three sat in silence for a few seconds until the waitress, noting the party's completion, approached the table. Carter and Luka looked at Abby expectantly.

"Uh, club soda."

"Draft." Luka looked at Carter, who glanced at Abby before ordering a ginger ale. Luka cursed to himself and turned to Abby helplessly. "I can order something else." Carter had a way of making him look like a fool when it came to Abby's drinking, Luka thought bitterly.

"No." Abby's cheeks felt hot. "Really, it's ok…" Why did I agree to this?

Carter cleared his throat guiltily. "It isn't Abby. It's me." He paused. "I'm not really supposed to drink."

Luka's expression hardened. "Thanks for telling me."

"It's not your fault. You aren't responsible for other people's actions and choices. I could have said something before. I didn't."

So they'd been drinking buddies? Abby looked at Carter with a mixture of surprise and shared guilt. She felt pained for Luka, but couldn't bring herself to look at him.

"Oh God," Carter groaned, rubbing his temples. "I'm sorry, guys. This is definitely not going as planned."

"It's ok," Luka said quietly, waving off Carter's apology. "Don't worry about it. Let's just order. I'm hungry." All he cared about at that moment was changing the subject.

They studied their menus quietly, glad for the diversion and the opportunity to clear their minds and refocus.

Once the waitress had taken their orders and picked up the menus Carter took it on himself to get the conversation moving.

"I wanted you two to be the first to know." Abby and Luka's attentions turned to Carter expectantly. "I'm going back to Africa for awhile."

"Kem?" Abby asked.

Carter gave a sideways nod. "We're going to talk. I don't want to leave things hanging between us indefinitely. We'll figure things out, I hope, and see what happens from there."

"Sounds like a good plan," Luka remarked encouragingly.

Abby looked dubious. "You aren't actually thinking of moving to Africa, are you? And do you really think she'll want to move here?"

Carter shrugged. "I really don't know. We'll take things as they come. That's why I'm going."

"It just seems a little reckless to me."

Carter laughed. "Why are you against me going?"

"I'm not. I just wonder if you're being realistic, that's all. It's great to believe in the happily ever after, but people have a tendency not to factor real life into that."

"This from the person who thinks up every reason not to let herself be happy," Carter retorted.

Luka snorted impulsively, then quickly tried to cover it with a cough.

"Uh, ok. I thought we were talking about you, not me." Abby defensively looked away.

Carter softened. "I don't want to be reckless. That's why I haven't gone sooner. But there's something to be said for being willing to take risks sometimes. I realize there's a fine line there, and I want to do the right thing. But I'm not going to know what that is sitting around here. I need to go find out."

Abby was silent, thoughtful. Luka cleared his throat tentatively. "When are you going?"

"As soon as Kerry clears it on the schedule. She's working on it."

Luka nodded. "Good luck. And give my regards to Kem."

Abby smiled at Carter apologetically. "I hope things work out for you. Really."

"Thanks." Carter smiled back.

They made small talk as they finished their meal. Abby contemplated the men as they talked. Things had changed, certainly. But some things hadn't changed. She and Carter, affectionate one minute, grating on each other's nerves the next, but always in the end friends, for better or worse. She and Luka, stuck somewhere between friends and lovers, neither fully comfortable in either capacity, never able to satisfactorily define their current relationship. Things left hanging. Like Carter and Kem, she thought. Except, unlike her, Carter was doing something about it. Is that what bugged her?

After dinner, they lingered outside the restaurant for a bit. Carter and Luka studied each other for a moment and then shook hands, former tensions forgotten. Carter then turned to Abby and smiled. "Thanks for coming."

"Sure. Thanks for dinner."

"We should alldo this again sometime."

Abby felt the urge to burst out laughing, but nodded politely instead. I'd rather be run over by an ambulance, she thought.

After saying his goodbyes, Carter walked off, leaving Abby and Luka standing together awkwardly. Abby looked at Luka and rolled her eyes. "Well, that was fun."

Luka smiled. "Yeah."

They stood silent again briefly. Luka was just ready to take his leave when Abby spoke up. "I was thinking, I'd like it if the two of us could talk sometime."

"If this is about the drinking, don't worry about it. It's past."

"Please?" Abby's eyes begged him to agree. There was too much hanging now for her to stand, too many thoughts bugging her. If Carter could go off to Africa, surely Abby could sit down and have an adult conversation with Luka, just to clear the air and see if he was ok.

So Luka agreed, promising to make arrangements as soon as it was convenient, and they went their ways.


	9. Two steps forward

Yes, I'm still alive and kicking. Incidentally I had planned to have this up before we'd gotten too far into season 11 and now season 11 is long gone. Sorry. I'll try to do better with the rest of it, and with any luck will have it up before we get too far into season 12. If nothing else at leastbefore ER is cancelled. ;-)

Just a reminder that this is AU season 11, and if it isn't obvious, is working toward beinga Luka/Abby fic with a side order of Carter/friendship (the new and improved C/A/L triangle).

Luka and Abby found a quiet booth in the back of a restaurant, and after waiting for Abby to slide into her seat Luka took his spot across from her. He seemed tense, his face clouded. He looked to Abby as though he'd rather be sitting in a dentist's chair than in front of her at that moment and she didn't feel much better. She'd previously convinced herself that this discussion wasn't important, that it wouldn't matter, but deep down she knew this one was way overdue.

They ordered an appetizer and drinks-Luka only ordering water, Abby noted with a small flush of embarrassment, and then dispensed with the waitress so they wouldn't be interrupted.

Abby shifted in her seat uncomfortably, cleared her throat and rolled her eyes. "I should be good at this by now," she said ruefully, then took a breath and dove in. "I'm an alcoholic-a _recovering_ alcoholic," she amended. "I've been sober-again-for over a year and a half." She paused a moment to give Luka a chance to react. He sat, expression blank, with his hands folded on the table, passively waiting for more.

She took a breath and plowed on. "Anyway, one of the tenets of Alcoholics Anonymous is to make amends to those you've hurt. I know I hurt you by omission and I don't want you to blame yourself for not knowing. It was my responsibility to be honest with you about it...and I wasn't. And I know I should have had this conversation with you a long time ago. I'm sorry." She waited for him to respond but he avoided her gaze and merely shrugged. Abby sighed and threw her hands up in defeat. "Um, anyway, that's what I wanted to tell you."

Luka glanced up at her, offering only a short nod and one syllable. "Ok."

Even though Abby knew it was wrong to put expectations on others for how they took her amend-making, she found herself getting irritated with him. Though she'd been uneasy about where the discussion might lead, about what skeletons from their past relationship might be unearthed, she had at least hoped for something from him, she wasn't sure what, but he was giving her absolutely nothing.

She glared at him for a beat, arms crossed defiantly, then softened. "So…how are you?" she questioned, for some reason determined to make him talk, to somehow level the playing field a bit.

"Fine," he replied shortly.

Abby nodded. "Good; because you seem preoccupied lately and I've been a little worried. If you ever want to talk or anything…."

Luka gave a short sharp laugh. "You missed your calling. Maybe you should start an advice column; you know, like 'Dear Abby'."

There was an edge of sarcasm in his voice that stung Abby. "I'm sorry. I wasn't trying to…I just…" she stumbled, beginning to feel a confusing buzz in her head from trying to keep this futile volley going with Luka. She tried to sort out the jumble of thoughts and feelings that had begun to break into her awareness but finally gave up and gave in to the easiest path-escape- and started to slide out of the booth, blinking back tears of frustration and embarrassment. "I guess I should go."

In an instant Luka's expression changed from self-satisfied defiance to regret. Without thinking he grabbed Abby's forearm. "Wait." She sat back down tentatively. He was silent for a few moments as he softened his grip and began caressing her arm absently with his thumb, trying to figure out what to do next. Finally he let go and spoke with quiet earnest. "Why didn't you tell me before?"

"Tell you what?"

"About your drinking."

Abby, on the spot, pursed her lips and shoved some stray hairs behind her ears nervously. "I don't know. I guess things got in the way at the beginning. I mean…you know. The longer I let things go without telling you the easier it was to keep up the denial."

"If I'd been a better partner for you maybe you wouldn't have felt like you needed to hide it from me."

"You can't blame yourself. I convinced myself I was above the rules; not surprisingly it came back and bit me in the ass. That was about me. You did as much as anyone could have under the circumstances. Even if things hadn't been difficult for us I'm the only one who could make it right."

"Carter knew. You opened up to him, let him help you."

"He knew, before you and I were even dating. We were equals-friends. It made things with him…different."

"But it was my own failure that allowed both of you to think I didn't care. I just wonder what I could have done-what I should have done..."

"Luka, don't."

"If things with me had been different, if I'd been different, could you have opened up to me too, could you have loved me?"

Abby looked down and bit her lip, attempting to hide her intense discomfort and the confused mass of feelings churning violently in her chest. The instinct to escape, to toss out a trademark flippant cynical answer and then run away, tempted her. But hadn't this been the root of a lot of her problems-a lot of _their_ problems, the ones Luka was now attempting to take the blame for? Had she learned anything at all?

She resolutely shifted her gaze to meet Luka's and wrapped her hands around his as they rested folded on the table between them. "Love is a big word, Luka, too big to be casual about. But Ido knowthat I care a great deal for you; I always will. And I'm sorry for any hurt I've caused you." She paused briefly, lost in thought and in the moment, before continuing.

"Carter, I mean, really, it was no better in the end. I wasn't any happier with him and he couldn't fix me any more than you could have. There are two of us sitting here. You aren't the only one who made mistakes, who has regrets. But life is too complex to know exactly why things happen or don't happen. I can't control everything around me, but I'm trying to take responsibility for what I can-for myself. That may not seem like much, but it has to be enough."

Luka softened and let himself grin affectionately at her. "Don't sell yourself short. You're doing a hell of a job. I'm proud of you."

"Hey, if I can do it, anyone can, right?" Abby had felt suddenly shy, vulnerable and so felt the need to mask it with her self-deprecating humor. Luka saw through it and smiled at this familiar quirk.

His growing ease emboldened her to continue. "You're a good guy. Hang onto that and you'll be ok. Just don't make it more complex than it needs to be."

He scoffed good-humoredly. "You think, huh? You make it sound simple."

Abby stopped short, realizing how she must sound. Like some fing guru, she thought. "No, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to sound like I have all the answers, because god knows I don't. More than anything, I just want you to be ok, to be happy again. You deserve it."

Luka nodded with an air of understanding that masked the uncertainty he really felt but dared not admit to. Instead he smiled warmly. "I'm glad we talked. I think it's helped. And," he said apologetically, "I'm glad you told me about your drinking too. It means a lot."

"Better late than never, I guess," she fumbled out, suddenly aware of the intimacy of his hands, still in hers, and hastily pulling her hands away as if they'd received a jolt of electricity.

"Yeah. It's never too late, is it?" Luka let that question hang in the air. "We should do it again." Abby looked questioningly at him. "Talk, I mean," he clarified with a laugh.

She nodded and gave him an awkward half-smile. Why was it so easy for him to upset her equilibrium? "Um, yeah. That would be good. But I gotta go now. Work tomorrow." She gestured knowingly into the air as if toward County General and got up to leave, pausing to glance back and exchange a quick wave.

Luka remained in his seat for a few minutes, exhaustion from the effort to maintain the illusion of emotional control tugging at him. He didn't give in to it though. Maybe just believing another reality would allow it to come about. His confidence held until his body had no choice but to give in to the exhaustion and allow his dreams to belie it.


	10. Lost in Translation

Thanks to those that are still patiently reading and reviewing.

I had a lot of fun writing this chapter so I hope you enjoy it as well. Small note-I did try to accurately incorporate a slight bit of Croatian ethnicity in it. I hope I succeeded, or at least faked well. If any of you know better...sorry:-)

Luka threw himself into this newfound nonchalance with the same reckless abandon he'd thrown himself into all the other quick fixes-the Viper, serial sex, MSF, Sam and Alex-that had seemed like the ticket out of unhappiness, confusion, and lack of fulfillment. If he couldn't figure out how all the puzzle pieces fit then maybe it didn't matter. If he couldn't find happiness then damn it he'd fake it until it felt real.

He waited a couple weeks, long enough not to seem desperate or impulsive, and enough so that he could tell that he'd convinced Abby that he was enough ok that she stopped shooting him concerned searching looks. Then he asked her out. And Abby, not wanting to admit to himthat the idea scared her shitless, accepted.

Dinner and a movie, it was agreed, so a couple evenings later they joined up after work.

"Hey!" Luka caught up to Abby in the lounge as she was getting ready to go.

"Hey." Abby smiled nervously as they walked out together.

"You look nice." Luka smiled back at her, trying to seem cool.

"Thanks, you too." Abby laughed awkwardly and glanced away. "So is it still 'dinner and a movie'?"

"Uh, honestly, I was hoping maybe something a little quieter. I think I've had all the humanity I can take for one day."

"Your day went that well too, huh?" Abby smiled knowingly. "So what did you have in mind then?"

"I thought maybe we could pick up some food, rent something, and take it to my place instead of going out."

Abby looked at Luka with mild amusement and suspicion. "So, take out and a video, then?"

"What?" Luka demanded with mock-innocence. "I've got the big screen TV. My place is closer. It's quiet. And," he winked at her, "you haven't seen my fish in awhile."

Abby relented with a shrug and a laugh as she climbed into Luka's SUV.

They fell into an awkward silence as Luka navigated onto the road. After a minute or so he spoke. "I have something in mind for dinner, so I was thinking to be fair I'd let you pick the movie."

"Oh, no," Abby groaned teasingly, "Are you cooking?"

"Hey, be nice." Luka's attempt at indignation fell flat, as he couldn't help grinning at her. They both began to relax.

They soon found themselves in a neighborhood unfamiliar to Abby, and where Luka finally pulled off. Getting out, she looked around. Small businesses lined the street on both sides, many of them now dark but a few alive with light and activity. It was one of those inner city neighborhoods that gave off-in its shops, sounds, smells, and humanity- a distinctive feeling of community and life. She liked it.

Then she saw the grocery Luka was headed for. It was definitely ethnic, most likely Eastern European, judging from the signs on the windows. Her stomach churned at the memory of the few previous ethnic meals Luka had treated her to. She looked up at him pitifully and let out a plaintive, "be gentle."

Luka smiled. "Trust me." Then he pointed out a nearby video store, leaving her with the same appeal to "be gentle" and receiving the same "trust me" in return.

Ten minutes later they met up at the SUV again, Luka with a brown grocery bag and Abby with a DVD. Abby reached toward the bag to inspect the contents but Luka pulled away. "You'll see soon enough." Abby made a face at him and hid the DVD protectively under her arm in reply.

On the ride to Luka's they idly went over the days events-the cases, patients, and stresses-until Abby realized that Luka was smiling to himself and demanded, "What's so funny?"

"Nothing." He glanced at her, still smiling. "It's just nice to be talking to you, doctor to doctor. It suits you." Abby fell silent, uncertain what to say in response, and looked out the window until they arrived.

Topping the stairs to his apartment, Luka flung open his door, set the grocery bag on the coffee table in front of the TV, tossed his keys and their coats on an end table, plopped down on his couch, motioning for Abby to join him, and began pulling things out of the bag.

Abby watched dubiously. "It's all safe, I promise," he assured her good-humoredly. "Nothing fancy. I thought we could have a sort of picnic."

He laid out bread and rolls, cheese, sausages and ham, biscuits and little cakes, some fruit and vegetables, pickles, olives. He was right. Most of it looked safe. Chilled bottles of root beer and Diet Coke rounded out the meal.

His task completed Luka turned to Abby expectantly. "So, what'd you get?" He sounded like a kid on Christmas. Abby laughed and held up her choice.

Now it was Luka's turn to look dubious. He made a face. "That's what they say…a 'chick flick'?"

"Hey. It's about a really tall guy trying to find his way in a foreign country. What's not to love?"

Luka laughed. "Ah, now you're mocking me."

"No, it's cute."

"The movie or me?"

Abby smirked and left it at that.

"I suppose there's a girl in it."

"There's always a girl."

"You realize that next time I'm getting Jean-Claude Van Damme." Luka warned her teasingly, as he got the DVD ready to play.

"Ohh…no. Not fair." Abby rolled her eyes and giggled.

Luka dimmed the lights and they quietly settled their attentions to the dinner and movie. Abby was pleased to find that Luka's food was indeed not bad at all; Luka appreciative that the movie's director was thoughtful enough to include the scene in the titty bar, undoubtedly put there to help break the monotony for all those hapless men like himself who were forced to see the movie with their lady friends.

After the movie finished they both sat in quiet contemplation for a few moments before Abby broke the silence. "Well?"

Luka shrugged helplessly. He was cornered. "I didn't get it."

"What's not to get?"

"I mean, what was the point: the Japanese are short and have a weird obsession with Karaoke? Men and women aren't meant to be friends? Nothing happened."

"No martial arts, no bombs…is that what you mean?"

Luka gave her a look of mock-sternness, trying to defend his apparent ignorance. "I'm not that unsophisticated. I just didn't see the plot. They wandered around the city. They never actually got together. We couldn't even hear what he said to her at the end."

"But that's the fun," Abby insisted, "the mystery, not knowing how it all ends, being able to imagine the words he spoke to her, to take some ownership of the relationship and it's possibilities. It's a great movie," she insisted.

Luka listened to Abby's analysis with amusement. "If you say so." He started cleaning up the table.

Abby joined him but was quiet, distracted by a thought. "So, you think men and women can't be friends?"

Luka froze. He sensed she was looking at him, waiting for an answer. Damn. So this was his choice? This was the way it was going to be? He looked at her, trying to look cool, trying to think of something to say, and partly trying not to look really pissed that after Carter she could still be this clueless about men.

Abby was taken aback by his expression. What had she said wrong? Suddenly it hit her; he thought she was referring to the two of them. Not sure whether she should be touched, amused, or annoyed that he thought she was toying with him, she clarified, "I mean, Carter and I have been friends for a long time. I'd like us to be able to stay that way."

Luka looked at her with a mixture of surprise and relief. Carter. Was she actually asking his permission to be friends with Carter?

Oh, God. It sounded like she was asking him for permission to be friends with Carter. Abby quickly tried again. "I just want you to know up front how it is, and Ineed you to be ok with it. I won't make the same mistakes I did before."

"Ok," Luka responded simply. What else could he say? Things had changed and he knew he didn't have to worry about Carter any more. And as for Abby, the very fact that she was bringing this up to him was a good sign. It also seemed to clearly indicate she was giving him the green light; that the date was a success, the beginnings of something.

He slid closer to her and casually put his arm across the back of the sofa behind her. Giving her a teasing intent look he asked, "but you aren't spending evenings watching chick flicks with him, are you?"

"No, nothing like that." Looking into his beguiling eyes, Abby began to feel a panic take hold in the pit of her stomach. She desperately wanted to leave and just as desperately wanted to stay. Luka reached up and gently caressed the side of her face with his thumb, tucking the hair behind her ear as he moved his hand down her jaw line. Ready or not, this was happening. Abby closed her eyes and tried to let go as he slid close enough that she could begin to feel the warmth of his breath on her face. He pulled her mouth toward his and into a soft lingering kiss; the initial unfamiliar feel quickly melting into a slightly intoxicating heat that diffused through her body.

All too soon the kiss ended, pulling her back into reality. Luka, face still so close to hers they were almost touching, was looking intently at her, trying to read in her eyes what his next move should be. Abby tried to lighten the almost suffocating mood by teasing him. "You know, I'm still not entirely convinced I'm not just your rebound girl."

"Abby, every girl I've been with since you and I broke up has been my rebound girl."

Abby snickered and rolled her eyes, replying sarcastically, "Oh, nice. You're good."

Luka laughed too, with a mock-offended, "What?" Then he grew serious and, leaning in until their foreheads were touching, cradled her face between his hands and whispered, "I've missed you."

This time it was Abby who bridged the remaining gap between them, reaching her hand around his neck and pulling him into another kiss. From that point, any innocent intentions they may have started with were quickly tossed aside as their kisses deepened and familiarity began to take over their actions. Whatever had lacked in their former relationship sexual chemistry hadn't been one of them and they fervently began to physically reconnect, memories awakening in every nerve ending in their bodies, every move anticipated like a well-practiced dance.

Abby slid a hand up Luka's leg, to his thigh, and finally to his waist, where she tugged at a corner of his shirt until she was able to slip a hand inside. Her touch, feeling eagerly at his side, his back, his chest, sent an adrenaline-charged jolt through Luka. His thoughts automatically began to fast forward to their logical end-having Abby again, touching her, filling her.

Suddenly, unexpectedly, Luka's thoughts-the electricity-turned into a static snow, filling his head, distracting him. More images-unwanted ones-intruded. Not just Abby, but all the women he'd had, all the sex he'd comforted himself with, meaningless mindless actions. Even with Abby, and Sam, the first connection had been through sex.

Luka reluctantly pulled away, his body cursing him for it, and caught his breath. Abby waited expectantly. He avoided her eyes, whispering, "I can't."

Abby looked surprised and vaguely amused. "Really?"

Luka looked at her helplessly. "I shouldn't."

"'Shouldn't'?" Abby pulled her hand out of his shirt.

"This is a mistake. We shouldn't be doing this."

"You don't want to be with me?"

"Yes! Just, not like this. I care about you too much to be so casual, to mess up again."

Abby slid away from Luka and tried to regain her composure and sort out her wildly spinning emotions. The only thing that made sense at that moment was leaving. She stood up. "I should go."

Luka stood up too. "You don't have to run off," he responded quietly. "We could talk."

Abby's head was beginning to hurt. Talking, thinking, was the last thing shefelt like doingright now. All she wanted was go home and have a cigarette. "No, really. It's…I had a nice time. But…."

"Ok." He stood in front of her and awkwardly chucked her chin and smiled. "We'll talk soon, though, right?"

"Yeah, sure." Abby nodded and returned his awkward smile before breaking away to gather her coat to leave. With Luka slowly following suit, they left the apartment silently, the only sound the door clicking closed behind them.


End file.
